(Before I begin, allow me to take a moment to publicly state that I lovelUVLouveiolveolveolveolvoeoLOlve most if not all of these artists. This is all in good humor. Also legitimate curiosity. Please feel free to drop a comment to answer any of my queries. Merci beaucoup!)
The original title of this post was supposed to be “Who Let the Haters in the Building in the First Place?” because I thought the beginning of certain songs were tagged with “Ha-ha-haters in the building,” alas! Alas, my dear friends, ’tis not so.
As our pal Jamal has clarified, the phrase is not “Haters in the building,” but rather “Kane is in the building” because apparently some clown by the name of Kane Beatz is a producer who works with everybody’s favorite, Young Money. I am so sad.
But enough weeping for now. There is something that I wanted to get to. Nomenclature. Rap Culture Nomenclature, or as I like to call it, The Undoing of the RNC (because it rearranges the letters of RNC to RCN and probably defiles everything for which the GOP stands). I too, am really good at naming things.
First in line is Lil’ Wayne. In fact, EVERYONE in the lil’ fam.
Why is everyone LIL’?????? I thought being powerful meant being big. I was convinced that being important meant that one possessed a large bank account, large supply of high end Maria Juana, and most likely a large piece of reproduction equipment, if ya catch my drift. So I sat here, perplexed, asking myself (and you too), why in the good Lord’s name, Wayne and Co. would choose to be diminutive?
Because they are Wayne and Co., and they are BRILLIANT.
Irony! Of course. Of-fucking-course. Why do I call myself stupid all the time? Because I’m actually a genius! Why do I call myself ugly all the time? Because I am really flawless! Why do I say I have no friends? Because I have more than I can count!
And Lil’ Wayne is effing HUGE. Or maybe we’re just compensating for something, but I’ll never admit that, ya?
The sole exception here seems to be Lil’ Bow Wow, or should I say, Bow Wow? It would seem that Shad Gregory Moss dropped the Lil’ after going through puberty. Good on ya, mate.
So aNyWaYYyy, here I am, Marginally More Enlightened Michelle. And yet, I still have some questions.
Let’s talk about T-Pain.
Here were some questions I had before I researched him:
-For what does the T stand in T-Pain? Because I have a sick and misinformed brain, I am once again found in the gutter and thinking Thrust-Pain? Testicle-Pain? Tongue-Pain? SomethingSexual-Pain?
-Why da hail would homeboy change his name to T-Pain, anyway, when Faheem Rasheed Najm is THE coolest name I have ever heard in my short life?
-WHY PAIN???? Why can’t we all just eat cake and rainbows and unicorns and smiles?? (Please note that some of the aforementioned items are not edible. Unless you can taste colors, are Harry Potter, or a cannibal. Then you’s fine).
-Honestly though. Faheem Rasheed Najm is the coolest name ever. Maybe I should change my name.
T-Pain, for reals now. Upon further (rather, actual) research, the T in T-Pain stands for Tallahassee Pain, and is so because of the suffering he endured while he lived there. Thus, sadly for my cynical and stupid cerebrum, there are no sexual undertones in the name T-Pain. (And this is probably for the best.)
Next on my list of People about Whom I Have a Question of Two are Gucci Mane and Mack Maine. Radric Devonte Davis (better known as Gucci Mane) is kinda like Cedric, but radder. Honestly, with a name like Radric, I’d probably just rap about skakeboards and Monster energy drinks, so I guess it’s a good thing he changed his name. Gucci is pretty cool, I guess. He is a man who wears a lot of Gucci, which is to say that he is a man of much money because Gucci ain’t nuthin’ ta fuk wit. So basically, he is rich. Gucci Mane is RCN for “Rich Man.” Jermaine Murdock Moldova Jerrilson Preyan, also known as one “Mack Maine” is a different story. In all his like eleven names, not a single Mack is to be found. Also, why are there two different misspelling of the word “man?” Was “man,” just not virile enough for anyone? Leave it fucking Birdman to be the one to use “man.” (Birdman, really?) Jermaine Murdock Moldova Jerrilson Preyan is a pretty cool name, too. It’s a mouthful sure, but honestly… isn’t that what the average rapper wants…? Yeah, I just went there.
Lastly, I want briefly to talk about the –eezy to stage names. Yeezy, Weezy (apparently Lil’ wasn’t enough [and for more insufficient and therefore multiple stagenames, c.f Clifford Joseph Harris, Jr. or T.I or TIP or T.I.P or or or or]), Jeezy, G-Eazy. This I cannot even begin to think about. Is it because there is a Z, and Zs look or sound cool or something? I don’t know. I may never know. I will just take it for its face value, and assume in sublime ignorance that it is used because of its aesthetic appeals. Henceforth, please address me as Peezy (as per my last name + -eezy). Please and thank you.