Look, my first experience with waffles was with Eggo. So naturally, my idea of a waffle is an Eggo waffle. I wouldn’t go as far as to call myself a waffle maniac, but I will concede to being slightly fixated with these checkered pancakes. Speaking of pancakes, they are the inferior breakfast starch.
I went out to breakfast with my dad and my sister today. I don’t often question my dad’s paternity, but today was one of the few exceptions. He openly dissed the Belgian waffle my sister had ordered for being too “big” and “disgusting.” How? How can a man who disrespects the checkered pancake genus possibly be my real dad?
So there he was– insulting my real family: waffles. That is my number one complaint about my “””””””dad.””””””
And I know what you’re thinking, readership.
“Michelle, you actually have a real problem. Normal people don’t have feelings about waffles.” No, actually, I don’t have a waffle problem. I don’t eat just any waffles, ok? They have to be just right.
Look, all I’m saying is that if you toast your waffles, you’re a fucking creep. Everybody knows -and I do mean everybody- that waffles are supposed to be nuked. You grab a plate and throw down a couple frozen suckers on it; shove it in the microwave for like 30 seconds, then eat them.
THEN, you put three more on the plate and nuke those. The first batch was made exclusively for the time the second batch was in the microwave for two minutes. These (first batch) you just kindof shove into your mouth to satiate your ravenous hunger (why else would you be eating Eggo waffles?).
The waffles should be soft. More than soft, they should be spongy, stretchy. You should feel as though your were tearing a cottony, delicious piece of cloth apart with your teeth. You may dunk them into milk. Yes. You are salivating now. You rush back to the microwave to fetch the second round of waffles that were made as “official” breakfast (or lunch or dinner or as a snack– waffles, they do not adhere to any contraints of time or societal norms. They transcend the barriers of reality.).These (second batch) you should put syrup on. Aunt Jemima syrup, mind you. Don’t give me no Vermont maple syrup shit. They are Eggo waffles for God’s sake. That would be like putting a Channel wallet into your fake Louis Vuitton. God!! I get pissed off just thinking about it. Aunt Jemima!!! God damn it!!!!! Shit, I’m angry just thinking about this.
Anyway, yes. That is the proper waffle procedure. I don’t really know how to end this post. Waffle Woman out.
Is there a spoon? 